I've been so reserved to post anything on here, going back and re-reading anything I do write 20 times before publishing. You see, growing up I was a bit of a perfectionist.
I'm talking about the kind of perfectionism where if one mark on a piece of paper was out of line, I'd rip it up and start again. WAY over the top. I never knew it to be an issue, in fact, I received constant validation for my over the top work ethic. From television and magazines, to teachers and guidance counselors.
I was always praised for doing SO much.
Behind the perfection, though, was deep seeded fear, anxiety, and depression. It was my fear of not being enough that drove me to always do more. I felt that I didn't have any value unless I was doing this, that, or the other. My value and worth was a direct correlation of what I was accomplishing.
You see, I had really really REALLY low self-esteem. I felt completely unworthy of love, trust, friendship, and even existence. I just knew that if I didn't strive for perfection then nobody would ever love me.
I suffered, mentally and physically. Perfection was literally killing me.
SO I changed my path. I switched my journey. I did a complete 180.
And you know what? Not a damn thing changed.
My clothes were different. My job was different. Even my circle of influence had changed. But me? Nope. Still the same. My naive egotistic mind really thought if everything external changed, that an internal shift would also occur. Yet here I was, still seeking perfection and validation from others by what I was doing, not who I was being.
It hit like a ton of bricks. It really doesn't matter what I do. There are so many people who take short walks upon this earth, the chance of me being the next Albert Einstein are slim to none, so why hold myself to such pressure? I can do anything, but who can I be? This was really important to me. Who did I even what to be?
It was a little easier at first to decided what I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be a perfectionist. I saw so much beauty in the "flaws" of nature, art, and people, why not see it in myself? What did I REALLY want? I wanted to be happy, peaceful, and loving.
So I chucked perfection out the window. It really came down to an issue of trust for me. I had to trust that I would be ok, even if I wasn't "perfect." For me, it's a process I have to take day to day. Some days that little voice in the back of my head demanding me to be perfect if I want to feel worthy in life comes back, but now I just say Hi, show it the door, and let it go.
Here are some expert tips for overcoming perfectionism. (Source)
With a newfound passion for life and a deep interest in the connection between science and art, this is where ideas develop and blossom and are shared with you, my friends. Thanks for stopping by and joining me on this journey.