There's so much, and at the same time so little, to say when we experience loss. This year I said goodbye (at least in the human form) to one of the most influential people in my life. Losing my grandmother took me on a journey I did not expect to experience in this season of my life.
But in the most painfully positive way, it also couldn't have happened at a better time. I've witnessed myself step into a better version of myself as I've faced adversity and heartbreak this year. In some way, this loss was my saving grace that allowed me to truly focus on healing.
In my eyes, my grandmother (whom I called "Mamaw") was one of the most graceful, faithful, and creative people I knew. She was also one of my best friends growing up. I spent countless weekends over at her house doing everything from the extraordinary to ordinary. More important than anything we did together though, were the lessons I learned from watching her be herself. I was lucky to have always had her in my life, even into her last days, and for the wisdom she shared along the way.
One thing we shared in common, though we never openly spoke about, was a sadness that pervaded our lives in a way that disrupts our ability to function normally (or better known as clinical depression.) Just being around each other was healing for both of us. I was lucky enough to provide energy work (reiki) to her on several occasions. She loved it, it helped her relax and fall asleep, and she lovingly referred to it as "that yoga thing!"
It may not have been much but I am thankful to have been able to help her in some form. This was something that became really important for me. I used to push aside practices that would help me relax and feel better. I did this for a variety of reasons but the root one always being: feeling undeserving of taking time for myself. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture (you can't always cure cancer) but you can do little things to make it better (like that yoga thing). I may not have every answer that I think I need, but I do have tools that can make things better for me.
Tools like expressing myself creatively, singing confidently, doing things I enjoy, loving and appreciating my body, and engaging in an active relationship with the divine. Waves of memories have come flooding back in over the last months, and have served as little reminders of each these. I see the subtle ways in which she was always showing me these things. And with my own experiences, now have the wisdom to implement these teachings to live my life in a way that brings me the most happiness, peace, and love.
As I step into a new chapter in my life I feel humble, excited and thankful.
With a newfound passion for life and a deep interest in the connection between science and art, this is where ideas develop and blossom and are shared with you, my friends. Thanks for stopping by and joining me on this journey.