I used to resist life. Even if I was happy, I would try and play like I was cool, like I didn't care. When I was sad, I tried to act tough or again like I didn't care. And along with the help of some medications prescribed by my doctor (that were supposed to help my moods) it just helped to further dull me and numb me to life.
So when I, for whatever divine intervention, started to completely change my ways, I was presented with a problem. Because my resistance to life was strong and I was comfortable. Quite comfortable actually in the small cave I had carved for myself.
Anytime I did try to experience life I found it to be overwhelming. I thought I was this really tough person but when I began to practice yoga, and I began to meditate, and I began to be more mindful and more conscious, not just in the time I was on my mat, or in mediation, but throughout the entire day, I found myself to be so sensitive.
Anything could make me cry. I found my sense of humor to be a little bit different. Almost anything can make me laugh. I know I practiced and taught yoga, and would talk about embracing the feelings, but I myself wouldn't practice that. In my head I still had these associations that you can't be sad. Or maybe you shouldn't always be happy. And you know what? Fuck that.
Because since I've, within the last few weeks, really let go of my ego and the things that have been holding me back, I've come to find that its beautiful to experience all of these emotions and different sensations. I'm so grateful that I can at one minute, be touched, have such a sensitive heart, that tears can be brought to my eyes and then moments later I can find laughter again.
I think that's beautiful and I wonder why for so long I was resistant.
This is part of a new series I'm sharing here on the blog titled "Journal Entries" which features transcripts of some old voice notes I've recorded over the years. I hope that you receive this message with love & that it offers you what it is you need in this moment. Thank you for reading. Namaste.
With a newfound passion for life and a deep interest in the connection between science and art, this is where ideas develop and blossom and are shared with you, my friends. Thanks for stopping by and joining me on this journey.